So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
