I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize