I faked an abortion last night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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