You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
