drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
