I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
