I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
