I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
