OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize