So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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