I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
