So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
