my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
