So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
