I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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