yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
