can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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