im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
