Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
