I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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