So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
