The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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