omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
