Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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