I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Never underestimate the power of titties
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
