No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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