Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it glows. i had to have it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
