It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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