OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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