Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I puked a lego.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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