i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I need moral support for this bender
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
