My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
