I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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