I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize