I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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