im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
