TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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