i don't like sucking hair
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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