I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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