My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
