So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
