Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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