I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
