i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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