I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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