mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
