Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
