You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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