It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
