Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
