Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
