Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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