Who wears a wallet chain?!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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