i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
