Three words: puerto rican gang bang
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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