He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I understand Curling. That high.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
