just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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